Dec 9, 2007

How To Commit Suicide

Failed in exams? Parents don't love you anymore? The one you love is fucking someone else? You hate yourself? People don't read you blog? People read your blog but don't leave comments? Your job sucks? Your boss is a Doof and your co-workers are back-stabbing motherfuckers? The whole world is out to get you?

Chill.

We have just the thing you need, fates have guided you to the right blog post, because what you need is a Suicide!

Yes!

Kill Yourself! but [[[How?]]] you ask. The world is full of un-imaginative idiots who have made suicide look like something bad and idiotic, it’s time you took control of your life and the way it should end.It's time You took suicide to a higher level. No stupid cutting, jumping, ropes, guns or poisons involved, this is suicide like you have never heard before. This is what imagination does to you.

Let's not delay the inevitable and move on to the three top slow and steady FUBAR ways to cash in your chips, go west to meet the maker! [why slow and steady you ask? cuz that makes sure you win the race ;)]

1) Fall In Love--- Love, as they say, is the slowest form of suicide. Once in it, you ARE going to DIE. The road to Happily Never After is littered with evil intentions and broken hearts, you walk a mile in a three legged race of love and the road forks. Sweet. Either you succeed and have a "happy ending" [Ending is the keyword here] or you fail and die bit by bit inside. Very interesting and novel way to die, of course half the world is doing it without even realising it. That is what makes this fun.

2) Chase a Dream-- Dreams are nothing but remains of a bad night's sleep. If you go chasing dreams on mountains of hope, your dreams will turn around and bite you in the face. Then they will jump off the mountain and start flying, while your face will be headed on a super-fast Hello to Mr Ground of Reality. That can break a man or a woman, from inside and when you die there, no glue or doctor can join you back again. Chasing dreams is a risky method and a complex one, slow and simple, but sure.

3) Time Travel!- Now, just as you read time travel, 95% of you would get thinking on the Grandfather lines. Well, get original, grab a time machine from the nearby supermarket and zip back to tomorrow and meet yourself. BOOM the universe will explode, tearing apart the trousers of time and there! the most original suicide in the history of the world. Literally!

[and as a bonus method]

4) Read A Story A Day--- Congrats, you are already on your way to the pearly gates pits of hell. Word by word these sentences will crawl in your brain through your eyes and push your brain through your ears till there is no more space left in your head for anything but this fucked up blog. A slow, and a very painful death.

Yup that's all folks! But [there is always a but] I shall leave you with a poem by the great Dorothy Parker!

"Razors pain you, rivers are damp,
Acid stains you, drugs cause cramp,
Guns aren't lawful, nooses give,
Gas smells awful, you might as well live"

-=-=-=-

Suicide is Self Expression. Hope it all helps.

;)

N

© Nothingman

31 comments:

  1. Haha! I never read a funny suicide story before.

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  2. The comments footer said, 1 WERE IMPRESSED...

    I just HAD to do something about it! Bad grammar tickles the psycho inside.

    Now I'm off to go commit suicide. Point no.2 sounds about right!

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  3. What beautiful ways to go. Even better if you'd included alcohol....

    (new blog addy by the way)

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  4. khoda pahad nikla chuha hehehe..
    all for suicide..by these measn i have died a million deaths...ah well the poem was nice..

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  5. hmmm...i think i'm well on my way with the bonus method, but 1 and 2 are looking attractive too :D

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  6. OMG I Love this post! This is so great, and why is it Nothingman that every time I read you I feel like writing dark and ominous songs of glee?!? :))

    Forever #666

    -AJ

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  7. And also, if we go by your methods, then I've been dead for some time now!

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  8. dammit that last one was me too, but the sign in thingy got screwed up!! -Jacqueline, a.k.a. "AJ", a.k.a. Aunt Jackie, a.k.a. Jaxxxxxxx

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  9. Church Lady...

    More of a how to mam', funny suicide stories, i think there have been some in the past, you'll have to dig deep in the archives ! :)

    N

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  10. TS...

    bad grammar itches me too! but can't teach blogger :P...chasing dreams? ah, hope you have a pair of wings ready!
    ;)

    N

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  11. Mr Dinners...

    Alcohol is the invisible and the unsaid ingredient, add according to taste ;)

    My new blog will take some time, itsy bitsy time, you'll be the first to know :)

    N

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  12. i'm knee deep in 1 & 2... but 3 sounds the most excitin way to go somehow...

    if imagination does this to u, i have no idea how uve managed to live to write this post here... :D

    cheers!

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  13. Island girl...

    Choohe hee pahad khod dete hain ;) come on! you own a blog called as alive as dead and you call my post a chooha!

    ;)

    N

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  14. Kris...

    Believe me man, we are all on our way, one way or the other ;)

    N

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  15. Aunt Jackie...

    AJ by any other name is still AJ ;)

    Omnious songs of glee is my other blog Poetry. Damn that rhymes!

    thanks for the comments:)

    Cheers!

    N

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  16. Shimmer...

    Every way is exciting ;) oh and I don't write these posts, I dictate them to the Slave ;) he he

    N

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  17. Oh Nothingman,
    i do love visiting your site as it makes me laugh so much! But this time, when I read the title I must say that I was surprised! But you didn't disappoint me and I'm still laughing!

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  18. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  19. well.. ordinary by your standards of imagination....... but the poem was nice..

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  20. so #4 here looks promising pal :P
    i gonna use that! i hereby encourage u 2 please post one a day, so i can read 'em up and die faster... ;)

    i tried scribbling one a day continuously for abt 10days thz month, and thot i mite die, but damn...no change! hence #4 is my only hope u c! :'(

    lol, gud work! :)

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  21. Muahahehhahaha..

    I have experienced one of them... MULTIPLE times! :D

    Well-written..

    Blog-rolled you by the way.. Grabbing your feed too! :)

    Blog on...!

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  22. You bring a smile not only to my lips, but to my spirits as well. Just when everything was seeming tiresome, here you are with one of your awesome stories. Loved it. :-)

    Three Cheers to you Nothingman! :D

    Meenakshi

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  23. death comes to u anyways

    why make an effort??

    sleeping is better ain't it

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  24. hmm...seems i've been dead for a while...

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  25. i was curious as to what kind of a post this wud turn out to be...lol
    well...was funny!
    liked the rhyme at the end...

    death comes anyway...by ur methods of "self-expression" all of the world population commits suicide...

    cheers!

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  26. I love this!

    You're one talented guy!!

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  27. I just STUMBLED upon your blog and this post. And NO I have not been looking for ways to die.
    but THIS, was GENIUS! You just made the random midnight shit I search up on the internet seem a little worthwhile.
    This has inspired me so much that I might just try all of them.
    Cheers! :D

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  28. Hehe I have stumbled upon greatness! Thanks this is really great, I"m sorry but I'll steal this...i will put it in my own words like duh!:P thanks you really gave me a great idea about my next work and my next goal! Suicide! hehe
    Clenia Gigi

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